Staring into the deep abyss before me, the unknown, wondering should I step in? Yes, I have a plan, a map of sorts, but once I step a foot forward, I’ve committed to that direction. How do I know this is the way I want to go? I can’t see until I’m already within.
That’s what keeps me from starting. That, and the fact that I feel like I’ve started so many things that I haven’t finished. That I’ve quit, for whatever reason. Usually because once I was within, and could see what the details of the surrounding, and what was expected of me to keep moving forward, I didn’t want to be in that space anymore. It didn’t really feel like me. I wasn’t moving toward a higher truth, an authentic space, or even a place with high reward.
But I retreated from the space and felt like a quitter. And being a quitter takes its toll on your confidence. Quit enough things and you begin to doubt your judgment. Do I really know what I want? Do I understand what would make me happy? Is there anything I’m willing to make great sacrifices for? Do I have what it takes to push through something… anything?
Sure, I don’t count all the things I’ve completed. The things that I’ve finished with much success, or even the things I’ve just finished. They seem expected. It’s the things I don’t finish, the things that I change my mind upon midstream, that haunt me and affect the way I see myself.
So that begs the question that I ask myself often… should one finish everything that one starts? My rational answer to that is “no, of course not.” The practical side of me understands that one must go down uncertain roads, and go far enough to see the lay of the land. And if the lay of the land is no longer appealing, why on earth would one waste time going in the same direction?
But the emotional side of me understands the price of indecision. Two steps forward, one step back, and three steps to the right only stokes insecurity. It feels chaotic. It isn’t following a logical plan and it is certainly no way to get anywhere.
And when I retreat back to where I started, I’m faced with having to choose another direction. And the chance of feeling the chaos, insecurity, wrongness again. And so the next direction is even harder to choose.
The first step forward isn’t as easy as it used to be. Starting has become hard, because I’ve become more wise about the challenges along the way, I’ve seen myself retreat in fear, and I lack the courage I once had to venture into parts unknown.
But I will anyway. Without the ammunition of habit, I will step feebly forward and subject myself to failure once again. Because I have no choice other than to stay immobilized, locked in indecision, and that is no longer an option.