Blindsight

We are all sometimes blind to obvious things in our own lives.

Looking at something from within is much more difficult than looking at something from without.

I bet you can relate. Let’s say you have a friend who continues to date the same kind of guy. Each subsequent boyfriend may look different, but in the end, he is very immature and incredibly selfish. Your friend can’t figure out why each relationship ends badly, with her feeling trod upon and taken advantage of.

It’s obvious to you, observing the relationships from the outside, what the problem is. She keeps choosing men who aren’t interested in a permanent, give-and-take relationship of love and compromise. They want short-term pleasure.

But your friend can’t see this. She is easily convinced that each new boyfriend will be different, because each one acts so attentively in the beginning. She can’t identify the larger pattern of similar personalities and behaviors of each man. And only after years of heartbreak can she even begin to notice larger patterns within her own behavior.

She is blind to something within her own life that is glaringly obvious to you observing from the outside.

It is similar to blindsight – a psychological phenomenon that occurs when a person is cortically blind but not retinally blind. In other words, the person’s eyes function just fine but part of their brain isn’t working. The person can see things, but she can’t perceive those things, so it is as if they don’t exist.

The interesting thing about people (or animals) with blindsight, however, is part of their brain still registers the existence of objects they see. They just don’t process the sensation. They can, for example, navigate around objects they don’t even know exist. If you asked why they just walked around the chair that is in their blind hemisphere, they wouldn’t understand what you are talking about.

I’ve often felt like that in my own life. I know I have thoughts and behaviors that sabotage me, that derail positive movement in a defined direction. Yet I can’t always process them. I’m aware that they are there, because I see their effects, but it is as if they are ghost furniture in my blind-side field.

That’s why the coaching/counseling process is so valuable. It allows a caring but uninvolved individual to help you see things you can’t see from within. A good coach can present verbal mirrors to help you reflect differently on events and verbal walls to give you something to push against and choose a different trajectory.

The coach doesn’t ever tell you what to think or do, she just helps you see things that were hidden before so that you can move forward with clarity.

A client of mine recently got a job offer in her desired field. The job offer wasn’t as good as she had hoped, and using an old lens of rejection and unworthiness, she interpreted the job offer as a slight, almost a rejection, rather than the opportunity it was. After some discussion, she began to see all the potential in the job offer and she realized that her future new boss believed in her enough to give her a shot in her new desired field, even though she had limited relevant experience. My client had blindsight to what turned out to be a major turning point in her life.

We all fall victim at some point to blindsight in our lives. It is impossible to see everything clearly from within your own life. It pays to have the perspective of someone you trust who can look in from the outside… and help you see that chair you keep tripping over.

Getting Started

Staring into the deep abyss before me, the unknown, wondering should I step in? Yes, I have a plan, a map of sorts, but once I step a foot forward, I’ve committed to that direction. How do I know this is the way I want to go? I can’t see until I’m already within.

That’s what keeps me from starting. That, and the fact that I feel like I’ve started so many things that I haven’t finished. That I’ve quit, for whatever reason. Usually because once I was within, and could see what the details of the surrounding, and what was expected of me to keep moving forward, I didn’t want to be in that space anymore. It didn’t really feel like me. I wasn’t moving toward a higher truth, an authentic space, or even a place with high reward.

But I retreated from the space and felt like a quitter. And being a quitter takes its toll on your confidence. Quit enough things and you begin to doubt your judgment. Do I really know what I want? Do I understand what would make me happy? Is there anything I’m willing to make great sacrifices for? Do I have what it takes to push through something… anything?

Sure, I don’t count all the things I’ve completed. The things that I’ve finished with much success, or even the things I’ve just finished. They seem expected. It’s the things I don’t finish, the things that I change my mind upon midstream, that haunt me and affect the way I see myself.

So that begs the question that I ask myself often… should one finish everything that one starts? My rational answer to that is “no, of course not.” The practical side of me understands that one must go down uncertain roads, and go far enough to see the lay of the land. And if the lay of the land is no longer appealing, why on earth would one waste time going in the same direction?

But the emotional side of me understands the price of indecision. Two steps forward, one step back, and three steps to the right only stokes insecurity. It feels chaotic. It isn’t following a logical plan and it is certainly no way to get anywhere.

And when I retreat back to where I started, I’m faced with having to choose another direction. And the chance of feeling the chaos, insecurity, wrongness again. And so the next direction is even harder to choose.

The first step forward isn’t as easy as it used to be. Starting has become hard, because I’ve become more wise about the challenges along the way, I’ve seen myself retreat in fear, and I lack the courage I once had to venture into parts unknown.

But I will anyway. Without the ammunition of habit, I will step feebly forward and subject myself to failure once again. Because I have no choice other than to stay immobilized, locked in indecision, and that is no longer an option.

Belief, Thought, Behavior…

Let’s say you want to change a specific behavior, like craving and caving to greasy-sweet-yummy-salty-fattening foods that delight your tastebuds but destroy your body. You’re tired of feeling tired, disgusted with the spare tire you’ve carried for too long now, and you’ve decided it’s time to make a change.

First, look at the thoughts that precede the recurring bad behavior. If every time you nose-dive into a plate of nachos, you may see that your thought pattern is something like, “Well, just this once. I deserve this right now. I’ve had a stressful day and this little indulgence is just what I need. I’ll start being good tomorrow.”

If those thoughts are all too common, that’s a sign there is a deeper belief supporting them. Dig down further and you may find a belief, supporting your poor me thoughts, that goes something like, “The only way I can survive tough times is to eat.” Even more excavation into beliefs might reveal that your parents helped create/reinforce this belief by giving you a treat every time something disappointing, sad, or stressful happened in your childhood.

Great… so now you know the thoughts and the belief that are causing the behavior. How do you change a belief?

You change your behavior – regardless of what thoughts and beliefs are fueling them. You’ve become conscious to your motivations and actions, and you choose change, right then and there.

Because the cycle of Belief – Thought – Behavior is a never-ending circle, you can break the loop anywhere and interrupt the cycle. Each step reinforces the next. So when you begin to change your thoughts or behaviors, regardless of what preceded them, you change what follows, reinforcing new beliefs, thoughts, and behaviors.

For instance, you skip the plate of nachos and opt for a walk instead. Your thoughts may still be saying, “But it was a hard day and you deserve the nachos!” and your belief might still be that you need food to survive stressful situations, but your behavior suddenly proves differently.

After you go on a walk, the endorphins are pumping, and lo and behold, you actually do feel better. You didn’t need the nachos. You proved your thoughts and belief wrong.

Because life isn’t a fairy tale, those sabotaging thoughts and beliefs don’t magically disappear in that moment. They will rear their ugly heads again. But you took the first step to slaying that dragon, weakening it just a bit by proving it wrong.

Your behavior chipped away at the belief that you can only survive tough situations with food. You proved it wrong, because without the food, you lived to see the next day. And because the belief begins to change, the thoughts begin to change too.

The next time nachos lustily whisper your name, rather than instantly rationalizing why you deserve them, you may have second thoughts. You will remember how you didn’t need them last time, and congruent with your slightly changing beliefs, it becomes that much easier to choose something that feeds your body well. You feel better and further chip away at the original belief.